Grounds for Divorce – Dovid’s Version
My newly married daughter and son-in-law were at our home. My son-in-law had to leave and my daughter stayed. Dovid asked her where her husband went. She said that he left. Dovid shook his head and said that he’ll find her a new husband. My daughter asked why and he told her that a husband that leaves his wife is not a good husband; he’ll get her a new one!
My husband visited Yeshiva Bonim Lamokom where Baruch excitedly told him that he turned 33 the day before. My husband wished him ‘Happy Birthday’ and then back-slapped him and jokingly told Baruch that he’s an old guy. From across the room a smart-aleck friend called out, “Yeh, where’s your cane and wheelchair, Baruch?”
Eleven-year-old Miri came home from school on Monday of Parshas Toldos and I browsed through her sedra book with her. When she spoke about the ‘bechor’ I wasn’t sure if she understood what it meant, so I explained it to her and asked who the bechor is in our family (Avi), the bechor in Avi’s family, the bechor in my brother-in-law’s family and so on, just giving examples of the meaning of the word.
A day later Miri asked me, “Mummy, will you please make lentil soup? I want to buy the bechora off Avi so that I can be the oldest in our family!”
Pesach in July
12-year-old Burech’s mother was cleaning his nose with a saline wash. As the salty water dripped down the back of his throat Burech announced, ‘This is karpas’.
The Midas Touch
We were at the hospital for a follow-up checkup on Dovid’s heart. The technician taking the echo turned the screen so Dovid could see. She pointed to the screen and showed him that this was his heart. He shook his head and said, “That cannot be my heart. My heart is gold and that one is black and white.”!
US Currency Only
It was middle night of Rosh Hashono and I collapsed onto our sofa and dozed off. I was in twi-light zone when the men walked in from shul and I heard my husband say to Moishey, ‘What do you say to Mommy?’ seeing me sprawled on the couch in a slumber. Moishey said, ‘The Mama is vert cash (the mother is worth cash)!’
It’s All About…Food!
Motzei Rosh Hashana Dovid insisted on having a seudah.
I explained to him that there is no Melave Malka on Motzei Yom Tov.
He shook his head and said “seudas hamafsekas – tomorrow is a fast!”
Ahhh…The Sweet Smell Of -!
My teenaged Baruch learnt all about personal hygiene at Yeshiva Bonim Lamokom and came home with his personal kit of supplies.
Several days later I walked in on him in the bathroom spraying Febreeze room deodorizer under his arm.
Moishey’s dorm counselor became engaged. When I asked Moishey whether the new chussen is happy, Moishey replied, ‘Yes! I can see it on his forehead!”
Moishey received an ugly text from a friend of his. Following, is Moishey’s text response to the friend, editted for brevity: (Moishey repeats words unnecessarily in writing, so I removed those; however, the message is intact) ‘Okay, so let me tell you Shmiely (name changed to protect privacy), you know that I still love you with all my hearts, but on one condition. In order for me to love you again in the future iy’H you cannot say NO ‘nivel peh’ right in front of me. Because a person who is a Yid should only use words from the Heiliga Torah Hakdosha and not the words from the ‘nivel peh’diga’ words only a goy could say. But when a person looks like a Yid, a Yid should never and ever use such words; it’s the words that a goy uses. So my ‘tyera’ Shmiely, I still love you and I still like you so dearly but on one condition – in my name and in Hakodosh Baruch Hu’s name we are asking you so nicely and so pleasant-fully to please STOP SAYING SUCH CRAZY WORDS, THE WORDS WHICH HAVE TO DO WITH NIVEL PEH, BECAUSE I DO NOT LIKE IT, OKAY my sweety, Mr. Shmiely.